


The Mister and the Ex

by Seiberwing



Category: SuperMansion (Cartoon)
Genre: Canonical Sex Swapping, Clowns, Developing Relationship, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Ex-Girlfriend, Gender Issues, Gender or Sex Swap, M/M, Outing, Pizza Rolls, Superheroes, mild biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-10 15:44:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15294750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seiberwing/pseuds/Seiberwing
Summary: “We fit. That’s all I got for you. We’ve got baggage but it’s a matched set, even if his comes from Gucci and mine comes from the Goodwill."--Groaner and Black Saturn, separately, try to justify why they're a couple. They're met with mixed results and a heaping dose of Lex's self-image issues.





	The Mister and the Ex

“We can’t keep sneaking me in and out like this.”

“I could come visit you at League of Freedom West Side’s base next time”

“We can one hundred percent keep sneaking me in and out like this.”

Groaner was lingering on the edge of Saturn’s windowsill, once again navigating the amazing world of making out with no lips. His legs felt like jelly, no thanks to the man who kept coming in for ‘one last kiss’ every time Groaner made a grab for the rope to let him climb down to the yard.

“You’re going to have to let me go if you want me to come again,” Groaner mumbled.

“Could make you come again right now.”

“No, you can’t. You physically cannot. There are no more popsicles in the ice cream truck. You have yet again toppled the Washington Monument and it is closed for repairs. You’ve gone big and now I’m going home.”

“Aww.” Reluctantly, Saturn let the skull-faced clown slip down the wall and land quietly besides the bushes. He blew a kiss at the retreating head of brick-red hair.

From across the street he couldn’t hear Groaner mumbling, “I love you man, but Jesus Christ you’re clingy. It’s like fucking a spider monkey.”

But Rex did.

\----

“Groaner. Really? Really?”

Saturn froze. His ninja-honed skills screamed for him to drop a smoke bomb and tear out of the kitchen like a bat out of hell. Unfortunately that would mean abandoning his pizza rolls.

He whirled, and found the noble leader of the League of Freedom Original Flavor standing at the doorway to the kitchen, wearing an expression somewhere between resigned disappointment and bafflement.

Saturn struck a pose on the counter, nearly striking his head on the ceiling. “You mean my nemesis? Yes, he’s a noble foe, but he’s no match for me, whichever side of the law he’s on! Cunning, devilish, handsome, witty—”

“Great in bed?’

“Fantastic in bed, and—aw, crap.” Saturn’s dramatic pose turned to untied marionette as his arms hung down to his sides. “How?” he whined. “My stealth skills are beyond par!”

Rex pointed to his ear and winced. “Magna-hearing. Thank Christ I can turn it on and off, or I’d be a gibbering wreck listening to everything you people get up to. I was checking up on the perimeter security and got an unexpected dose of why the Groaner lives up to his name. What the hell, Saturn?”

“H-hey, you can’t judge. You banged like half the female villains we’ve fought.”

“And how much trouble has that gotten us into, eh?”

“You know what, at least if I’m banging a guy I can’t get him pregnant, you deadbeat dad”

“Black Saturn has a male lover?”

Rex’s metal hand pressed to his face. “Oh, fuckmonkeys.”

American Ranger, clad in a flag-patterned bathrobe, stepped out from behind the hallway door. Saturn looked like he was about to pass out from shame. Beside him, the microwave made a supportive ‘ding!’.

“Saturn, I—I had no idea you were, um…” Ranger made the face he made when he was trying to figure out to phrase something in a way the modern world wouldn’t yell at him for. “Inclined towards um…that the female form did not actually…And you know what, I’m fine with that! If I could serve with a gay when we fought the Krauts, I am happy to serve with one in this era too!”

Oh god. He was posing in a noble fashion. Oh god. Saturn covered his face with his hand as well.

“I’m not gay. I’m bisexual,” he mumbled.

Ranger blinked. “What’s a buy-sexual? You don’t mean that you purchase…services?”

“No. Bi. He bats for both teams,” said Cooch.

“Likely a 2 to 3 on the Kinsey Scale,” added Robobot.

Saturn huddled down on the counter and began furtively collecting his pizza rolls from the microwave. At least he had carbs to comfort him, now that everyone was here to comment on his sex life.

“Eats the whole buffet.”

“Cross-platform compatible.”

“Surf and turf.”

“AC/DC.”

Rex slammed his hand down on the table. “For god’s sake, it means he’s interested in both men and women.” By now Saturn had retreated to his safe space in a tight knees-to-chest ball, nibbling his pizza rolls like a terrified squirrel.

American Ranger frowned. “Look, I’ll accept that sodomy is now a legal American right, but don’t be some kind of…” He waved his arm back and forth. “Sexual Switzerland! Pick a side!”

"That statement could be construed as quite biphobic, Ranger,” said Robobot in that soothing voice he used when matters were just barely at an acceptable level of trash fire. “Not to mention uncourteous. ”

 

“I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here,” Rex put in. “The problem is not that Groaner is a man. It’s that he’s a former supervillain, and the ‘former’ is up for debate. You do remember he works for Dr. Devizo, right?”

Saturn made a wiggling hand gesture with grease-smeared fingers, and then pulled his arm back into the safety ball. “I mean yeah, kinda? We try to stay off the topic of politics. I don’t go off about justice, he doesn’t go off about crime.”

“And yet the both of you are definitely going off.” Rex winced again and rubbed his ear.

“Look, he gets me, okay?” Saturn said, his gruff voice skidding into teenagerly high-pitched whining. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“I think we’ve made it quite clear that we don’t understand.”

“Seems pretty straightforward to me,” said Cooch. “I’ve seen it on the internet. Y’just use the other hole and go to town.”

Ranger covered his ears and darted out of the room, groaning about common decency.

Saturn shrugged and stuffed the rest of a pizza roll into his mouth. “He gets me,” he said with his mouth full. “We’ve known each other for years, we banter, I set up the lines and he knocks ‘em down. We’re like a team that fights each other. He doesn’t think I’m an idiot. He respects me.”

He curled up a bit tighter. “Or at least he sorta likes me. Also, y’know. He’s got a dick you could use as a battering ram.”

He watched Robobot’s eyes abruptly dim and then begin to glow again, a gesture he recognized as the robot’s mind bluescreening due to bizarre data and needing to reboot again. It distracted him from seeing Lex slip in behind Cooch in the crowded doorway.

“That completely unwanted bit of information aside, my point still stands. Look, the last time you hooked up with a supervillain—heck, that you hooked up with anyone—it turned out to be a horrific mistake,” said Rex. “And take it from someone who’s hooked up with a LOT of supervillains, these things never end well.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t call it horrific! I mean sure, Lex cultivated a relationship specifically to use to devastate me mentally and emotionally later, but the seeeee—um the sensible and calm discussions we had were really great.” Right. Don’t talk to Lex’s dad about banging his daughter. Good Saturn. “And y’know, I felt like I really grew as a person. Got to consider some things I hadn’t considered before, broaden my horizons. And her ordering Groaner to torture and kill me while I was tied up actually worked out pretty well for us as a couple. By the way, did we get a new cattle prod after the mansion went up? Because Groaner’s gonna—"

Rex held up a hand. “Actually, you know what? You two can just do whatever you want as long as I never have to listen to you talk about your sex life again.”

“I can almost probably manage that.”

“Just be careful, okay? Lex played you like a kazoo, and people died because of it. Whatever you do with your freaky skull clown guy, make sure the rest of us aren’t getting screwed too.”

Lex, lips pursed and one arm around her lower body, slipped quietly back to her bedroom.

\----

Thank Christ for flight belts, thought Groaner. Saturn was like a machine. He might actually have some kind of secret mutant power that was concentrated purely in his dick. It was like refractory periods were only guidelines for Saturn. With what Groaner was carting around, on the other hand, it took him a long time to get the bridge up.

That Bad Dragon premium membership Saturn had was gonna get a real workout if they kept doing this.

Groaner’s musings on what else might happen if they kept doing this distracted him long enough that he nearly slammed into a woman hovering directly in his flight path.

“Hey, Groaner. Having a good night?”

The clown bounced backwards and tumbled in the air, flailing to right himself.“Oh! Hi, Lex. Hi. Yeah, great night, I’m just patrolling around, watching for crime. All that crime.”

Lex set her hands at her hips and gave him a skeptical look.“Really? Seems to me like you were patrolling Saturn’s rings for the last four hours.”

“I wasn’t—oh. Magna-hearing.” Groaner slumped in his flight belt, limbs dangling. “Yeah, I’m not gonna bother coming up with excuses for that. By the way, that whole four thrusts and an apology thing you claimed about him? Total bullshit. The guy’s like one of those inflatable punching bags, he goes down easy but he pops right back up again. I can barely keep up until I’ve gotten him through at least two of them.”

“Yeah. I know.” Lex touched her ear and winced. “He’s very…vocal.”

“Hey, I’ll take positive feedback any way I can get it.” He hovered to the side and Lex darted back into his path again. Groaner frowned. 

“What do you want, a play by play? You’re gonna have to pay by the minute if you want that.”

“Does he take the mask off, in bed?”

Groaner tilted his head. The wind ruffled the ball of curls that served as his current hair. “Yyyyeah?”

“He’s showing you his secret identity.” Lex hovered closer, staring into the darkened pits where Groaner’s eyes once used to be. “You.”

“I’ve known it for months. I’m not seducing him to get info off him. Hell, do I look like the seducing type?”

“You know his real identity and you’re just sitting on it?”

“If by it you mean his dick, yes.”

“No! No, I didn’t mean that.”

Narrowed eyes met narrowed orbital ridges. Groaner’s lack of face was a surprisingly small barrier to his emoting abilities.

“Seriously, I know you’re not here to get details for weird fanfiction, and if you want me to say your ex is bad in bed you’re not going to get that. What do you want?”

“Just to talk.” Lex folded her arms. Groaner’s legs waved in the night breeze unsteadily. He looked down at the street, a dozen or two stories below.

“Okay, but you’re paying for drinks.”

\----

“Does he still do the crying thing?”

“Yeah. Some. Honestly, it gives me a chance to rest the old albino anaconda, so it’s sort of a blessing in disguise?”

“Yeah, totally. I have Subtopian invulnerability and I was still worried about getting friction burn.”

“Hah! I knew that you were lying about the four thrusts.”

They were sitting in the Opticorp corporate roof deck, an eight pack of beer between them. Groaner was sprawled out against a vent and Lex sat cross-legged under a steel rose trellis.

“No, but seriously,” he asked. “What was your deal with him?”

“Manipulating him to sow dissent in the League of Freedom and ultimately crippling him by targeting his abandonment issues with a tactical nuke?”

“No, no, that made sense. I mean that whole ‘used my body for pleasure’ thing you were on about with the cattle prod? You were pissed. Like about to tear out his throat pissed. I was getting a little creeped out by it, honestly. He can’t possibly have been so bad in bed that you needed to torture him.”

Lex opened her mouth and stared at Groaner, whose emoting and eyebrows were communicating a sense of deep satisfaction. And deep soreness. 

“Almost anyone else, I’d just say that I had to date Black Saturn and leave it at that. Except you’ve been doing store to door service for the last two weeks and you stuck around to cuddle afterward.”

“Why are you using your magnahearing to listen in on my amazing sex life? You know it’s not good to be hung up on your ex.” Groaner sat up, winced, and leaned back again. He pointed out at her and added, “Not that I’m not grateful. You basically laid out the red carpet for me.”

“Oh. Yeah. You’re totally welcome,” said Lex flatly. She drained her beer and then crushed it between her hands. “Nice to know my tactical nuke lasted up until he got in the same room with you.”

Groaner’s jawbone hung slack. On the other side of the building pigeons were arguing with each other over crumbs, cooing as if to join in the mockery. “Are you jealous?”

“No!”

He pointed at her excitedly. “You are! You’re jealous!”

“Okay! Maybe a little.” Lex curled in on herself, one foot sliding across the hand-cut mulch. She stared at the ground. “I’m not saying I want him back. I just want to know he actually liked me.”

Groaner snorted. “Look, I have had to hear the entire saga of all of his exes. I have called women I will never meet bitches just to make him feel better. Trust me, he liked you.” Groaner put on a graveling tone that was far too accurate. “She came on to me. Sex in the woods? Not my idea! I nearly got murdered by Rex and I got ants in places ants just don’t need to be. If I’d known she was going to betray and torture me I’d have put the kibosh on that right there. Still, that thing in the hot tub? Tooootally worth it, man.”

Lex scoffed. “Seriously? That’s what he called it? Worth it? I stuck him to a rack and put a cattle prod on him!”

“Yeah, that also went into things that make it worth it. He’s into some freaky shit. Thanks for building the rack, by the way, it’s getting quite the work out.”

A beer can flashed by Groaner’s face at the speed of a Subtopian pitching arm, and shattered into beer soaked fragments, sending the pigeons scattering. Lex let out a stifled shriek that echoed off the surrounding buildings.

Groaner waited, heart pounding, until Lex managed to calm down. The last thing he wanted was to be the focus of a temper tantrum by the second most powerful person in the city.

“You…okay?” he asked quietly once Lex settled down again. Lex curled back up, setting her chin on her knees.

“Look, it’s just…I’ve had dates, don’t get me wrong. But I could never be my full self around anyone. The supervillain thing, yeah, that’s not great. And then there’s…” Lex’s face rounded and broke out in pimples as her body broadened, briefly raising Groaner’s supraorbital ridges before they settled again.

“Oh, yeah. That Victor/Victoria thing.” He waggled his fingers back and forth. “I was wondering why you hadn’t done that in a while.”

Lex let out another quiet scream, this one starting at a lower pitch and cracking as her boy’s voice approached high notes. She gestured angrily to her now-masculine body..

“Every guy who’s seen this has flipped out. Every single guy except fucking Black Saturn, the one guy I wanted to flip out about it.”

“It might help if you got the acne thing sorted out, though honestly I’d be happy just to have any skin at all.

Lex waved a hand over her face. “Subtopians age at a reduced rate compared to humans, and boys mature later than girls. It’s why Rex looks 65 and he’s been in the League since World War II--I’m in my twenties and this half of me is still coming out of the ass-end of puberty.”

“Still, they make creams for that.”

“Who gives a fuck? It’s not like anyone’s going to see it.” Her voice took on a cutesy tone.They want pretty girl good girl power girl Titanium Lex. Not boy Lex, not failed villain Lex, not Lex with one half Subtopian and the other half put in a blender with bug DNA!” Another beer can went hurtling by, ending in a squawk and then a meaty thud. 

Lex clapped her hands to her mouth. “Oh. Oh god, I didn’t mean to hit it.”

“Wow.”

“Ewwwww.” 

“I didn’t know birds had that much blood.”

“Oh god, the other ones are eating it.”

“The urban bird world is a cruel one.”

Both forced their gazes away from the cannibalistic avian horror going on by the safety fence. Lex’s face slowly slimmed out and smoothed as she returned to her usual body.

“Look,” said Groaner. “I literally don’t have a face. It used to be the only day I could get laid was Halloween, and that’s if I got real lucky.” He fiddled with his bow tie. “Saturn’s hot as hell and he got laid on the regular, he just couldn’t keep anyone. And you’ve met his parents.”

“Douchebags,” Lex chuckled.

“The douchest of bags. They’re trying to turn tearing down their kid’s ego into an Olympic sport and it’s been going on his whole life. He acts like a self-centered guy but honestly, he just wants someone who doesn’t think he’s shoe scum. Yeah, he thinks you’re hot, but you don’t care about him. That’s the kinda thing that breaks him the worst. He cared and you didn’t.”

Lex’s shoulders sank. Groaner drank his final beer.

“And trust me, I’m grateful you didn’t decide to hang on to him. But he needs someone to pay attention and give a shit. You? No shits.”

“It wasn’t a personal thing.”

“Once you got the cattle prod out and started insulting his sexual abilities? Pretty sure it was. I don’t think you two would have been the Brangelina of the superhero world anyway, to be fair. He and me, we just match better.”

“Why?”

Groaner twisted the tab of the last beer around in his fingers, avoiding her gaze while his bare teeth ground together. Lex stayed quiet. In the background there was only the hum of the building’s HVAC and the soft cooing and squishing of the pigeons devouring their late peer.

There was a soft chime from Lex’s phone, mirrored by the sound of a clown horn from Groaner’s. Both looked down and sighed.

“Ninja androids?”

“Ninjas androids.”

“It’s Friday, I thought robots took Friday evenings off.”

“That’s Jews. You’re thinking of Jews.”

“I was wondering why Robobot stopped missing Friday check-ins after he deconverted.” Lex started crumpling the remaining cans and dropped them into the garden’s rubbish bin. Groaner dusted off his knees and stretched, then looked at her.

“We fit. That’s all I got for you. We’ve got baggage but it’s a matched set, even if his comes from Gucci and mine comes from the Goodwill. He gets why I do stupid puns, I get why he puts on the frat boy mask.” He twisted the controls on his flight belt and ascended with an unsteady jerk. 

“And I don’t make fun of him for crying after sex.”


End file.
